A Gay Woman’s Guide for Straight Women’s Celebrity Crushes

As we ring in the New Year, our feeds are splattered with resolutions and self-improvement goals. With the end of 2020, we’re starting to see a new trend of anti-resolutions in favor of self-love. Although I love the idea of limiting self-pressure and allowing ourselves to simply exist and grow, I will say that some of you still possess a terrible quality that has gone unaddressed. I’m not about to tell you to set boundaries in your workplace relationships or floss your teeth. I’m here, generous as I am, to help those who need it the most — people who are attracted to men.

Remember when you ironically started liking Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson after seeing that ’90s fanny pack pic, and now two Jumanjis later, it’s not ironic anymore? This article is for you. I once again make my plea for straight women to reconsider their male celebrity crushes. Because if I have to hear one more college friend talk about the Timothée Chalamet/Pete Davidson rapper sketch on SNL, I will walk into traffic.

Note: This article is not intended for queer folks who also happen to be attracted to cis men. You all seem to have figured it out with your whole Harry Styles thing and I’m nothing if not an ally.

Don’t feel called out enough to elicit any change? Let me get more specific. Here’s a list of straight crushes that are inherently a wrong choice:

1. Nick Kroll.
2. Any of the children from Stranger Things.
3. Matthew McConaughey in any of the following movies: The Wolf of Wallstreet, Magic Mike, The Gentlemen, and Interstellar. (How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days Matthew McConaughey is allowed.)
4. Adam Driver in Girls.
5. Timothée Chalamet, unless you fantasize about being the top, then it’s okay.
6. Leonardo Dicaprio post-1998.
7. Kevin Hart.
8. Any Jonas brother that is not Joe Jonas.
9. Any serial killer. Sorry, let me say it louder — ANY SERIAL KILLER. Straight women are wild.
10. John Mayer.
11. Jacob Black or Carlisle Cullen from Twilight.
12. All of the Chrises.
13. Pete Davidson — just because Ariana Grande did it doesn’t mean you need to.
14. Penn Badgley in You. Also any guy from Gossip Girl.
15. The Sprouse twins.

Zac Efron as TED FUCKING BUNDY, you sickos! Also Zac Efron in The Greatest Showman, Hairspray, and Baywatch. With that being said, Neighbors, High School Musical, and Seventeen Again crushes are encouraged.

“But Emily,” you say, “if I’m not fantasizing about getting railed by a Sprouse twin, who could I even crush on?” Great question. Here’s a list of appropriate heterosexual celebrity crushes:

1. Rami Malek.
2. John Boyega.
3. Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. On the surface, Mandy Patinkin seems like a weird choice. But I assure you, this is the perfect straight crush. Let me spell it out — loyal, dedicated, ambidextrous, family-oriented, and owns a sword. He’s like Brienne of Tarth for straight people.
4. Steven Yeun.
5. Elliot Page.
6. William Jackson Harper.
7. On that same note, Chidi from The Good Place. 
8. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. I see you true crime gals; I get that you need your fix. Matthew Gray Gubler is a perfect substitute for actual psychopaths. Here is an additional shortlist of serial killer-adjacent men to fancy: Michael C. Hall in Dexter and Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.
9. Manny Jacinto. The perfect fuck boy alternative to Timothée Chalamet.
10. Questlove.
11. Trevor Noah.
12. Kate McKinnon in a boy wig. Listen, I know sexuality isn’t a choice. But just think about it, okay?
13. Diego Luna.
14. Keenan Thompson.

I realize that I am speaking as though I have grandiose taste in potential lovers. I do not. I am, in fact, very flawed. I thought to make this more of an even transaction, I would also expose my own poor decision-making skills in hopes of self-improvement in 2021. Although my taste in women is exquisite and refined, I have sludged through some embarrassing straight crushes while in the closet.

Here is a list of genuine crushes I’ve had, starting around age twelve:

1. Declan from Degrassi. 
2. Most male characters from Twilight — with emphasis on Jacob before he cut his hair.
3. Ed Helms in the Sweeney Todd Episode of The Office, specifically when he sings “I Try” by Macy Gray. I’m not proud of this one. In my defense, this crush is the queerest you can get without actually being queer. It’s queer-adjacent, like Carly Rae Jepsen.
4. John Adams. Just twelve-year-old girl things, am I right?
5. Severus Snape. I almost put this one on the “appropriate crushes” list but I realize that I have a flawed perspective.

So there you have it. I hope this granted you some insight for self-reflection in 2021. With that, love who you love and don’t shame people for who they have a crush on (unless they deserve it).

–Emily Powers, Content Creator